Not content with taking searching the internet and making it easier, simpler and quicker, Google have now taken Fred's name.
Lousy on Fred. The search engine, though inanimate and lacking in life, offered this as an explanation: "Did you mean louth on Fred?". For years now, Fred have been winning over fans with their fan-winning ways, and causing people to change their own perfectly normal and adequate names and adopt the frankly stupid name 'Fred'.
But this is the first time an internet search engine, meta or otherwise, has expressed it's love for the exciting music band's melodies by legally assuming the moniker of said band.
"In truth," counters Justin, of The Band Formerly Known As Fred (TBFKAF) "we should have copyrighted the name or something, but to be honest, we're glad to be rid of it, it was a dumb name anyway, especially for a band, let alone a URL searching meta-crawler, ah well!".
However, this does leave the band in a peculiar conundrum, they now have no name. "We'll probably call ourselves Google for a while, cuz it's free." laments the drummer. "But I imagine that will lead to some confusion. In fact it already has, someone just asked me the score in the Ireland/Swiss game and I returned 71,214,567 results. None of them got us into the World Cup though!"
From his digital domain, the Fred-Computer-Person/Primate is ready to recommence sharing Fred knowledge with the great unwashed.
He apologises, but he has been busy, for he has been mountain climbing and reading and listening to music. As well as walking on the beach, sometimes by moonlight, sometimes not.
But alas, he has returned and he has asked each of Fred to write essays on what they did for their summer holidays. The essays are trite, inelligible works of crap, but do offer an insight into what the world's favourite Exciting Music BandTM get up to when they're not wowing the planet with noise.
Justin writes: "I finally made it to Tramore. There was ice-cream and gambling." While Joseph conveys, tenderly: "I've been on a literary tour of Denmark, did you know that all of Scandinavia's writers live in Legoland?"
But what is next for the dynamic duo, plus the other three? Well, there will be a national tour, followed by national joy, followed by a national farewell followed by overseas adventures, followed by heroes' returns, followed by more good music.
Join us, for we've kidnapped your daughter.
On Friday 26th August 2005, in the Temple Bar Music Centre, Ireland's capital will be entertained for a brief spell by the very band that helped build the city. For it is Fred, that most exciting of music bands, that helped reclaim the land from Mother Ocean, so's that this fair country could have a big city.
But far from being merely hydro-engineers schooled in the dutch tadition of land-reclamation, this group of individuals have a message. And that message is a musical one, and is hard to decipher, and doesn't mean much to anyone other than themselves, but it is a message of hope, a message of dreams.
Bearing this rubbish in mind, Fred are playing as part of the Hard Working Class Heroes festival in Dublin. It's a great festival that has over 100 acts playing around the city centre over three days. See www.hwch.net for details. You can get a ticket for the whole festival in Road Records or from Ticketmaster, but try the former because the latter are mean.
Even though it is not a competition, Fred will be treating it as such and shall be challenging other bands to death duels.
Now that they are global megastars, Fred can shorten names and words to however the see fit, so they are pleased to be performing this Friday 15th July in Cork's Marquee with Damo and The Franks.
The Marquee, with it's 4,500 punter capacity will give the band a chance to play an intimate show to a smaller crowd than they are used to, and they have very kindly allowed the other acts to play after them. Speaking of their benevolence, Jamin treatised "it's good to give up-and-coming acts a leg up, I imagine that we were once the beneficiaries of such kindness when we were starting out.......... probably, I can't remember anything much before drinking my protein shake out of a diamond studded beaker this morning."
Doors for the show are at 7pm, with Fred playing at 7.30pm. Tickets are available online from Ticketbastard.
And bring sleeping bags...............
The latest in plethora of bands long past their glory days to reform in an attempt to prove to themselves and world at large that they are still relevant, The (Once) Exciting Music Band Fred insist that they are different.
"Yeah, we're different" projects Jamin, long-time bass player and pawn in the other band member's mind games. "We're not reforming to prove anything to anyone. We're doing it for the cash! Which is odd I know, given that we are all disgustingly wealthy anyway."
Hoping to recapture some of the old magic and Fredmania they enjoyed during their creative peak in early 2005, the band have a tough job ahead of them, battling it out in the charts with current young upstarts and youthful pretenders such as The Pixies, Pink Floyd, Planxty and Simon & Garfunkel.
"That shouldn't be an issue" rebuts Jamie (pictured in action below). "We may not have our finger on the pulse like we used to, but we know we're still hip and relevant, we know that our audience still loves us and doesn't feel sorry for us and come to our Reunion Tour Shows out of sympathy hoping to maybe hear one or two of the old hits."
"We know that the fans want to hear new our material" he continues. "Which is great, because we realised as we got older that our old stuff was too raw, energetic and era defining, so we've blanded it all out and made a new album full of middle-of-the-road easy-listening crap with tons of chorus and reverb effects on the record.
Young folk and people with pony tails will love it............
Fred have released their stomping single 'Summer's Coming' to the world at large this week. Fine song that it is, it's being spun on the radio turntables like nobody's business and being reviewed in only the most intellectual of newspapers and publications............
Unfortunately, it is only a matter of time before the brain trust that is the Exciting Music Band Fred figure out that they released this very same song before. The band were unavailable for comment, as they were busy sitting on a plush leather couch in front of a television, contributing to the dumbing down of society and rapid decline of their own though processes.
"Hey!! We were watching Scrubs!!!, turn it back on" cried Justin and the others when this reporter interrupted their viewing to relay the news of their gigantic error. But the band remained unfazed, sinking further into the braindead stupor that musical success and money inevitably brings.
So it is up to us, the punters and fans, to remedy the situation, by calling every DJ in the country and telling them to halt!! Stop playing this insanely catchy tune that rues the onslaught of summer, this deliciously infectious track that purports to be a rallying cry to those for whom summer is not all about partying in St.Tropez with Supergorgeousmodels. A song for us........
Just say no.
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Forced by the suits at RCM Music, Fred are reluctantly getting their nouveau-riche arses into shape to get back out there and do a few more gigs, you know, for the people. There are shows in Cork, Dublin, Ennis and Kilkenny, and there may be more places soon too, but arah, ye know yerselves. For more details on these, go to gigs In more interesting news, particularly for those of you with merely a passing interest in sociology and a commitment to following through drunken ideas, Fred tribute band Ted, have got their own website. You can visit it at www.tedtheband.com
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Flying off shelves around Ireland, Fred have offloaded a staggering amount of copies of their tremendous album, 'Making Music So You Don't Have To'. Given that the album is only on release in one country with a population of 4 million, the fact that it has sold 26 million copies is pretty neat, so analysts say.
Knocking Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' off 3rd spot is another coup for the exciting music band, whose album has only been released for about 7 weeks, whereas Jackson's has been in the charts since they were officially launched in 1837.
"Yeah, it's cool out!" enthuses Jamin, bass player with the 270 x platinum outfit. "Playing on the third highest selling album of all time is rapid!!"
So what are they going to do with the money?? God knows! Which is why He has amended a few laws of nature and finally given immortality a price. Let's just say, we're sure that this is a band who will be around forever. Driving Ferraris.
But what of their three rivals, The Beatles, Pink Floyd and local arch enemies Stanley Super 800? "Well, I'll be honest with you" intones Joseph, singer -"I rate two of the aforementioned bands, and the third, well, if your self-titled debut is only languishing in 7th, it may be time to call a shovel a shovel and shoot yourself."
But should the four members of Stanley Super 800 commit suicide? Well, the Billboard charts have spoken, and the answers are there, if they're only brave enough to look!" But hey we're not saying anything. I mean 7th isn't that bad. Is it Middlesborough???
Fred have long been known to hold their ears to the ground and keep abreast of all things cool and trendy, just like NME, so it was with great surprise that when they put their finger on the latest pulse, it was beating to their own rhythm.
Yes that's right, the new band to be championed and hyped to death by themselves is............. themselves. "We had heard of us a few times before, and were familiar with our material, but it's only now we realise how cool we are and how ready the world is to be told what to think about us" piped Justin, drummer.
"The artrock thing is pretty now, but we figure the next cool thing will be our own brand of post-apocalyptic/pre-nuptial rock" he continues. It was this attitude that lead the band to spout hyperbolic soundbytes about themselves such as "incredible, this band have created a masterpiece" and "this band will change your life" with "greatest band to ever have someone from Limerick in it".
However, these were only quotes from the band themselves, and not the world at large. Their next mistake was to let all this hype, which they created, go to their heads.
"I mean, all this overnight success and talk about us being the next big thing is really flattering and all, but we're still keeping our feet on the ground. Which is why we've decided to plate everything in our lives (families included) with 24 carat gold and south african diamonds" patronises Joseph, lead singer.
They're in for some land.............. fools.
What with their ablums flying off shelves around the country, exciting music band Fred, figuring they're probably loaded now, bought into Saudi nobility and purchased a big ass palace.
Sheik Al-Jozeffa, lead singer (pictured above) expounded "I know the album only came out on Friday last, but it's very good, and I reckon tons of people bought it, so we decided that opulence was the road to take."
"We financed it with IOUs, which are like gold over in the Gulf, and bought loads of oil, which is also like gold, and then sold that and bought gold which is like IOUs, we call it the circle of finance" he compounded. But what of the other members of the band? "Oh yeah, Said Burj-Jamie is very happy with his fleet of Rolls Royces. As are Prince Al-Juzztin and Sultan Al-Jamin" "Whereas Ev decided to stay back home in Ireland. Mind you she's very happy in her semi-detatched 3-Bedroom house in Ballincollig"
"She was very excited about becoming a Sultana for a while, but alas, was disappointed when her lifelong dreams of being biometamorphasized into a raisin
failed to come true."
Granted, it's taken 20 months, 13 musicians, a 35 piece choir and a benevolent God, but Fred are finally about to release their second album.
Entitled 'Making Music So You Don't Have To', it's released nationwide on Friday 25th February. It'll be available in all record stores, so be sure to pick a copy up as soon as it comes out.
A tour to promote the album shall encompass many parts of the country, with more dates to be added, so check back. Ticket information for each gig and who's supporting will be set out in more detail on the gigs page.
In other news, Jamie has been voted the most handsome member of the band. The voting took place in the band itself, and the decision is infallible.
Sick of driving around and being laughed at by other bands, Fred's van - Ronnie Wheelin' - was 'pimped' last week becoming the altogether sleeker, flashier 'Ronnietron 3000'.
Expressing surprise when X To The Z knocked on their front door, Fred's van "was more 'putt-putt' than 'bling-bling'" according to the rapper/host.
When MTV got their hands on Ronnie, nothing was sacred and nothing was spared. First to go was that Deep Forest Green body work and in came the Pimpoolah Fling Yellow. Then Ronnie was fitted with 73 inch chrome hubcaps and cool neon blue lights underneath.
The crew at West Coast Customs, the bodyshop where all the work was done, relished the challenge. "Now I know Fred are an exciting music band, so that's why we're putting an 18 hole golf course in the passenger seat. We're also putting 17 Playstation 2s in the back seat" explained Mad 'Electronics' Mike.
"And we know these guys write catchy tunes, which is why we installed an authentic Thai lagoon in the boot, complete with real native fishermen
Now when Fred ride around, people turn their heads, and it's not because of the dents in the side panelling, it's because of the small Eastern European Republic installed on the wing mirror.
Thanks MTV, for pimpin' our ride!
The new boot
As it went down such a treat last year, Fred have decided to once again stage 'Christmas', a festival of joy, understanding, presents and Jesus.
The one day extravaganza will take place on December 25th, a date synonymous with pagan rituals, celebrations and selection boxes.
To usher in this jovial day, Fred will do a gig or two around the country, where we will invite all our friends and wellwishers to give us gifts. Dates confirmed so far are:
Galway - Roisín Dubh - Thursday 16th December
Feel free to get involved, and remember, Jamie wants an iPod.
Dublin - Crawdaddy - Friday 17th December
Killarney - The Granary - Thursday 23rd December
Cork - The Savoy - Sunday 26th December
Intending on conquering Great Britain musically, Fred's expectations were exceeded when they conquered the country entirely, in every sense of the word.
In a relatively bloodless coup, Joe Fred was coronated and supercedes the Queen as Monarch of the Commonwealth.......which is cool.
The band's unique brand of catchy/brilliant/tremendous/modest music was really taken to heart by peasants and noblemen of the land. King Joe's new subjects, or 'The British' as they've been hitherto known, really dug what Fred had to offer in a groovy far out kinda way.
But this isn't the first time a member of Fred has been made supreme ruler of a nation, hell, it's not even the first time it's happened to Joe. He recounts "I know, I know, it's gas, this is just like that time some Turkish fellas proclaimed me as Emperor of the Ottoman Empire, mind you, turns out they were way off, as that collapsed in 1918 with the end of the first World War". "Mind you, I wasn't alive then, so that had nothing to do with me." he muses.
But this fiefdom seems like the real deal. "I'll definitely do my best not to let this Empire collapse" he rhetorises, "plus I think I get free kebabs".
Having been deprived of the magic for too long, it has now been deemed appropriate to allow those inhabiting Her Majesty's island to partake of the wares the Exciting Music Band Fred have to offer.
So embarking on their "We're Only Doing Three Dates, But May Stay For 800 Years" Tour, the band will grace such musical enclaves as Northampton, Nottingham and Edinburgh (which is in Scotland), and delight all who see them with their wonderful music and stunning good looks.
Says Joseph, he of the band (not Jesus' father), "Can't wait, especially visiting their beautiful country in a state of turmoil after they've just elected George W.Bush to power for another four years, it's an exciting time to visit the United Kingdoms of America"
"I agree" chimes Eibhilín "We're going to stay in EuroDisney in Florida. Yayyyyy!!". "Apparently" notes Jamin, "you don't have to eat potatos there, they have other things in their diet, like curry chips, and the streets are paved with Walkers Crisps. Very exciting"
To find out where you can catch this intellectual roadshow, check gigs for details.
Fred are releasing a CD with their new single 'October'. However, it will be released in November, and yes, we know it's 11 months early.
The CD will feature three tracks, two of which are taken from the (ever)forthcoming album 'Making Music So You Don't Have To'. The tracks are
'October' a song that details the perks and benefits of Earth's best month, 'Summer's Coming', which has been available for download here, but now one can hold it in one's hands. And thirdly, 'October (Acoustic)', an alternate version of the single recorded live in a special place............
In order to get this CD to the masses, we're doing a bit of tour around the country. So far, confirmed dates are these:
Check the gigs section for details and supports.
Limerick
Dublin
Galway
Cork
Ennis
The Trinity Rooms
Crawdaddy
The Roisín Dubh
Club One
The Barge Rooms
Wed 27th October
Wed 3rd November
Thurs 4th November
Wed 10th November
Fri 12th November
Hearing that there was 'Some Art Opening Or Something' going on, K-List celebrities Fred got ideas above their station and got all dandied up.
Passers by were heard to remark 'State a yer wan!!' as pianist and society girl Eibhilín sauntered by in her Sundays. "Yeah, I really like art and stuff and the one off the telly who makes relish, Darina Allen" enthuses Ev. It's pointed out though that what she is referring to is cookery and not infact art......"Oh right............ she's very good though."
Making waves through the Hello, OK and Ireland's Own scene was our very own Joseph. "Clown chic is very close to being very in, apparantly, so I'm jumping the gun and bringing it to the people now" he ruminates. "Don't wait till spring 2007 folks, get your oversized shoes and hats now, tragi-comedy is the new black".
One person who did seem to be enjoying the 'Art' was Fred's resident paradox, the intellectual/drummer, Justin. "I'll be honest with you" he confides, "I do dabble with the paint-brush myself" He then presented this picture he claimed to have done.
The exciting music band Fred performed to some of the biggest names in the music industry recently, wowing them with their unique brand of post-apocalyptic/pre-nuptial rock.
The industry moguls (pictured above) claimed to be powerful players in HupYaGoodThing Records and Massey Ferguson Music respectively.
"There's definitely room for them in our artist's stable" approximated A&R Man Tosh De La Bourget (above left). "I like the way they play those thingys, you know, the yolks with the leather, t'is great stuff". Flor Goldstein (above right) agrees "I'd definitely get 'em a few weddings, sure my own sister would take 'em next Tuesday if the weathers grand"
Fred refuted the suggestion that they were victims of a ruse by the their arch enemies Stanley Super 800, the supposed A&R men curiously resembling that band's own Tosh and Flor. "No" rejects Joseph Fred, "these guys are the real deal, they said they'd take us to the top, that we would be stars, they said they personally knew Dickie Rock and Barbra Streisand and someday might even introduce us".
There was no reasoning with the Fred gang, they'd already sold their houses and posessions to pay Tosh & Flor's upfront fee. "That fee is necessary if we want to make it they said" recounts Eibhilín "being a star is expensive and now we don't need to worry about it because they'll take care of all that silly money business, otherwise, someone could rip us off - I mean look at them, they even have the latest Wellies"
As if the US Presidential race wasn't interesting enough, Democratic Presdidential hopeful John Kerry, last night announced Fred's very own Jamin as his running mate.
Kerry, pictured above using his finger to illustrate his numerical opinion of Jamin (number 1), said that a stronger America needed a stronger Vice-President, and that Vice-President was Jamin (election pending).
This all came as news to the humble bass player, who has never met Senator Kerry, has no experience or interest in politics, isn't American and is already busy with playing the bass. "I'm a bit befuddled as to why he chose me" bemused Jamin, "but he seems like a smart man, so he's probably right"
"Maybe though, he just means that he wants me to be his Running Mate, but even if that's the case, I don't even like jogging, and if I did, I'd probably wear my CD Discman so wouldn't be a good mate. But he probably has like a trainer or something, so it wouldn't be a problem."
Jamin does however imagine he'd be great at being Vice-President. "Sometimes when we're going somewhere in the van, I'd call "Shotgun" before anyone else. So I'd probably be good at making decisions and things" he curriculum vitaes. Fred piano player Eibhilín agrees, "Aw jeez, he'd be fierce good at it alright. That's gas now isn't it, that they'd make him President of America?" "Oh, it's just Vice President? I suppose that's cool too".
So remember, vote Kerry/Jamin on polling day. But not in this country.
And here she is. The first single off Fred's fantastic new album.It's called 'Summer's Coming', and it's a stomping ode to the fear of summer. It contains lush soaring strings for the soul, percussion breaks to embarrass the Brazilians, melodies to soothe the ears, and music to tug the heart strings.
And it's absolutely free to download. You can download a quick poor version, or a not-so-quick good quality version.
Feel free to burn it onto a CD, and to go with it, we've got a make-and-do 'Summer's Coming' inlay cover to go with it. You can download that here.
To back it up, there'll be an old national tour, starting the first of July.
The dates are as follows:
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Killarney Cork Limerick Galway Waterford Dublin |
The Granary The Lobby The Boat Club The Roisín Dubh Phil Grimes Crawdaddy |
Thurs 1st July Fri 2nd July Sat 3rd July Sun 4th July Fri 9th July Sat 17th July |
Operating under the pretence of 'If Less Is More, Imagine How Much Better More Would Be', Fred have finally completed their 'difficult' second album.
Taking exactly one year to record, all who have heard it have been amazed. Granted, all who have heard are in the band, but what exactly have they been amazed at?
"I'm amazed something so crap could take so long" bemoans Eibhilín. "I'm amazed no-one pointed this out 11 months ago" chimes Justin. "We made an album? Cool out!" enthuses Jamin.
"Well, we started out making a brilliant edgy record, full of generation defining tunes and civilisation changing lyrics. But then we saw how well all these bands with big epic ballady songs were doing, so we said we'd do that instead" betrays Jamie. "So now we have an album full of songs like 'Life Is Very Hard', 'I'm Just Emoting Baby' and 'Jayzus, I'm All Sad'.
But do the band not feel that they have betrayed their fans? "Well, you'd have to ask both of them" retorts Joseph, "but yeah, hopefully they'll feel betrayed, but that's what selling out is all about man"
The easy-listening album is due out in late September but if I were you, I wouldn't buy it.
Rejecting accusations that they are not very rock, the exciting music band Fred have totally like, got cool strokes haircuts. They also wear cooly Dublin jeans and jumpers, and are now tremendously hip.
"We also felt that sticking a 'The' before our name would like, totally represent what we are about..............we're very spiritual people, and not just on a musical level, on like another level too" pontificated Jamin.
The new change has increased the band's rock-ness by 12.5%, bringing them up to 86%. "These statistics prove that we are now only 14% 'middle-of-the-road', and you are only 14% likely to hear The Freds' music in a supermarket or an elevator" enthuses Joseph.
The new hair and cigarettes in mouths is another string to the band's bow and is sure to be a hit with old fans and new ones that will surely flock to hear the music what with the stylistic change. "Yeah, I saw these guys on MTV2, and they had cigarettes in their mouths, and I was all, hey I could definitely do that, and well now I'm doing it" rasps Jamie. "But don't worry Minister Martin, I won't be lighting them up on stage in venues, they're purely for show, heh heh" he further jokes.
Ever the fashion chameleons, The Freds will be parading their new look around the place thinking they're great. However, if they were actually cool, they would have latched onto this a year ago.
For eons, the folk of Earth have been befuddling their minds with the second greatest game ever invented - Tetris.
Since time immemorial, humans have been trying to break through the 7000 points barrier, to no avail. And then along came Fredtris, kinda like Tetris but with more danger. Since then, the barrier has taken a battering, but never been broken................. until now.
With a whopping 8410 points, we have the beautiful Erin Kelly, a maverick from the old days of doing things when Mongoose was wingman, and bad guys were commies. Her irreverence for rules and discipline may have proved too much for the smelly dean and his cronies, but it played to her advantage when she was told about the 7000 point psychological barrier in Fredtris.
Uttered Kelly "fool, I don't EVEN give a rat's ass 'bout no rules or nuthin'. I'll break the record my own damn self"
But who is this shape-arranging maiden? From whence did she come? We don't know. All we do know is that she set a new record, and we're guessing she looks like Laetitia Casta.
So if you're out there Erin, enlighten us...................Your Majesty.
Taking the maxim of 'you only have yourselves to beat' to a new literal level, Fred Inc. Utd. Five-Aside team beat themselves in a 6 goal thriller many onlookers described as 'close'.
Having no real challengers on this mortal coil, the Exciting Music Band/Sports Team decided to turn to more ethereal planes of existence to seek a team who would, if not beat them, at least put up a good fight.
"We were tired of running out against pedestrian sides, such as Stanley Super 800, who would challenge us for the first 4 minutes, then fade away beneath a barrage of goals" enthuses Justin, gloryhunter and ball-hogger. "So we decided to scour the other dimensions for a team who could keep up."
"We didn't find any there though" coos Eibhilín, player/manager, "so we decided to look within, and Bingo, there we were."
The game was played at a frenetic pace, and tensions ran high, as these two teams had a lot of emotional issues at stake that needed dealing with, for example Joseph "Buns O'Steel" O'Leary, who got a glimpse first-hand at what his ass really looked like. "I have to say, I was impressed, it really is quite toned" he was heard remark.
Beating themselves 4-2 (on aggregate) may have psychological connotations that will fester for years to come, but the game was a highly enjoyable one, and everyone had a good time. And they all went out and played a great show.
Having started recording their second album last June, exciting music band Fred are still for some reason, working on it. I mean for God sake, they're not Pink Floyd.
Or are they? We delve further. Purports Jamin when asked, "no, we're not Pink Floyd, you're thinking of Pink Floyd." Question answered.
They are however on the home stretch, hoping to release the bugger in about 2 months time, a full year after beginning the long, arduous, drawn out, exaggerated process.
But is it any good? Probably not, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that the band are cool and hip and have nice clothes. Which they're working on.
As to why this album is taking so bloody long, Jamin further enunciates "well you see, we, as a group, have emotional issues with finishing. Also, it's crap, so we don't want anyone to hear it."
This denouncement of their own masterpiece is refreshingly honest, but the good people of South Korea (pictured above) seem to feel differently. They, along with many other Asian and Antipodean nations, await with baited breath as for what this record will sound like. Infact, they've taken to the streets, so strongly do they feel.
Says Li Yung Ahn, a local systems analyst, "I want nothing more than to hear the new sounds Fred have been cooking up over the last 10 months and for my children to have a secure future in this uncertain economy."
So Fred, for Li Yung, pull the finger out.
H-list celebrity Society Joe from Fred, wearing his A-list suit, was mingling with the B and C-list stars after crashing the Irish Meteor Awards last week at The Point in Dublin.
His invitation obviously lost in the mail, the charismatic singer stormed through security to rapturous apathy from onlookers. Taking ex-Rep. Of Ireland Soccer Star Niall Quinn's seat, Joe sat through about 2/3rds of the boring ceremony before deciding that Lionel Richie's acoustic guitar player was not cutting the mustard, and decided to take it upon himself to rectify the situation.
Nutting the guitar player and taking his instrument off him, Joe then shouted to Lionel "Hello Richie, is it me you're looking for?" and stormed into the opening chords of "Dancing On The Ceiling".
Turns out, he was exactly who Lionel was looking for and they did a great show.
Joe later claimed the awards for Best Irish Female and Best International Short Documentary as his own before making off into the night with yer wan out of Atomic Kitten
Though neither invited nor nominated for anything, everyone present agreed that he was a worthy winner.
Fred bass player and self-styled caped vigilante, Jamin, has confused people in the past with his name, but until now, it was a confusion localised to parishes and townlands of rural Ireland.
Since becoming a rock star last year with exciting music band Fred, the confusion has spread like nutella overseas to the countryside and metropoli of Europe (see above prophecy of doom). The fact that many other languages contain no 'J' has always been a problem for Fred members Yamie, Yoseph and Yustin, but with Yamin, the confusion can be fatal.
When asked for a cure to the madness, Jamin (pronounced L-A-R-R-Y) was unable to offer any solutions. "If you or your family come into contact with the confusion, my only advice is to pronounce it however you see fit, you probably won't get it right first time, but you'll rest easier" he placeboed, "that, and drink plenty of water".
Fred inc. Director of Football, Eibhilin declared "Jayz, don't ask me, I've just been calling him Pete".
In a game described as football, an injury occurred that could could have connotations for both club and country. While doing a special 'turny roundy on his toe' move, something somewhere went wrong, and the left foot of Jamie, guitar hero and midfield controller, became hurt.
What this means exactly is unknown, but here's the deal, Jamie's left foot was the very foot that he used to press the red 'More Drive' button on his one guitar pedal.
Without the extra energy and kick that the red 'More Drive' button provided, particularly during rocky bits in the some Fred songs, the band have had to rely on their own raw 'inner' energy to shine through and create swirling vortices of noise like musicians of old.
Unfortunately, this comes on top of accusations from the band's sound-engineer and agony aunt, Sandra, that "Fred are not actually Rock, they're more like Pop-Rock or Light-Rock or something" she articulately illustrated earlier in the week.
Added to the inherent discomfort of a sore foot, those words cut Jamie and the rest of the band deep. Quite deep. I mean, they have headbands and everything.
In a radical combining of issues, Fred's political conscience has pushed the exciting music band to launch their 'Anti Annette Bening/Pro Savoury Snacks' or 'AAB/PSS' campaign.
"Well, everyone dislikes Annette Bening, whether they're aware of it or not, so we could feel the mood in the air that this was the time and that this was the place" rhetorises Jamie from 'AAB/PSS' HQ.
But it was the subtle introduction of positivity towards savoury snacks that has really helped this campaign make waves in the nation's media. "Heck yes, I like savoury snacks and I don't care who knows it" intones Ev, Fred Player/Manager. "I don't know who Annette Bening is, but I'm a sucker for those Ham and Cheese Jambons they have in all the deli shops these days - or Schinkenkases as they are called in Germany" she country drops.
Narrowly pushing Nicole Kidman from the top spot as the 'Most Annoying Actress in the World', Annette Bening's reaction to the campaign was not as negative as one might imagine: "Obviously I'm upset, but I do love me sausage rolls, so sign me up!" she proclaims.
"What we are asking of people is really not that they boycott or ignore Miss Bening's fine canon of movies, some of which are very good - such as American Beauty," continues Jamie, "but that they be aware of how annoying she is, and set aside a minute or two a day to bringing this to the forefront of their minds. And also how nice it is to be able to walk into a shop and get some potato wedges."
From the catwalks of Milan, to the jungles of Cuba, the Fred Beret has become this season's must have head-piece.
Creating a stir in the fashion industry not seen since those mittens that used to be tied to your coat with string, the beret is attracting celebrity endorsers from all walks of celeb-hood.
Celebrity funnyman and marxist rebel Ernesto 'Che' Guevara persuades his case: "Whether in urban warfare, old-school guerilla jungle fighting or just plain looking moody and enigmatic (see above), the Fred Beret is a Godsend, if I believed in God, which I don't"
El Commadante continues "sometimes I'll be bored hiding out in the Cuban mountain ranges, and I'll just put the beret on and do my funny French accent and the guys will all giggle and everyone cheers up and we are then ready to go and cut down the capitalist fascist pigs in their homes".
But he's not the only one, international person and totally relevant pop-star Madonna chimes in "Hey look at me, I'm wearing one, over here..................I'm wearing a beret toooo!"
Yes, we see you Madonna.
In a shocking act of betrayal, Fred drummer and elbow-breaker Justin was spotted playing with another band - ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Adding insult to injury, the other band in case were Fred's sworn enemies Stanley Super 800. The infidelity being the latest in a long line of cheap tactics by S.S.800 to undermine the pure and good work that Fred do and attempt to poison the world with their subversive but catchy sounds.
Exclaimed Jamin on a recent Jerry Springer appearance, "Justin ain't nothin' but a dirty dawg. He ain't no thang." The bass-player continued in the zone "he done mess around with that Stanley Stupid 800 even after I done told him he wasn't all that. And on the TV in front of eahbahddy. He done messed up, s'up with dat?"
"He a drum-beatin' chicken eatin' ho" punctuated Jamin.
When asked for a response to these allegations, which were given substantial weight due to the evidence of a TV appearance (see picture above), Justin retorted "Jamin ain't all that anyway, he don't even know his damn self".
Stanley Super 800, the real villains, remain strangely silent.
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 Both are entertainers, both love jokes, and both were involved in the legendary Rat-Pack. But can you tell which is Sammy and which is our very own Ev? |
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 Society Joe and Elton have yet to meet, which is a good thing, because there is no venue on Earth that could cater the party (and tantrums) these guys would throw together. But who is who?? |
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 Don't be fooled by the "rock" that he got. Yes our very own Jamin from the block is always being confused with the pop-songstress. One of these two has a soft spot for Ben Affleck, the other is engaged to him........................ but can even he tell them apart? |
In an act smacking of cheek and flagrant egotism, exciting music band Fred have used their own website to promote one of their gigs.
On Friday the 19th of December, Fred take over the Half Moon for the third year in a row to wow the masses with their unique brand of angst-ridden catchy indie pre-nuptial quirky rock.
More importantly they avoid clashing with the opening night of The Lord Of The Rings III: Return Of The King, opening on Wed 17th, a gesture which Peter Jackson and New Line cinema are grateful for.
"We really are grateful," asserts Jackson "I mean, the first two films were really great, and the third promises to top them both, but news that Fred were playing the Half Moon put a bit of a damper on proceedings, so to have them not clash with our release date on the 17th is taking the pressure off".
"It only seemed fair" concurs Justin, Fred's drummer, "I mean, they did such a good job with the first two, it'd be wrong to thwart their efforts on part 3"
Being the third year running on which Fred have played the Half Moon on the 19th of December, one can't help but wonder if there is some sort of Christmas Party type vibe being attempted. Guitarist Jamie baulks "I never had Christmas growing up, thanks for mentioning it".
In a move described as 'ill-advised', Fred singer Joe dramatically won the World Cup final with a drop-goal in extra time................................for England.
Annoying everyone else in the world, Joe's kick gave England their biggest sporting coup since 1966. Now they're the Rugby World Champions. Well done Joe!
With thirty seconds on the clock, the charismatically hirsute vocalist bizarrely found himself in a position from which to attempt a drop-kick. Even though it was on his weaker foot, (if there is such a thing (there is)), the ball sailed between the posts, gifting Rugby's most boring team the victory no-one wanted them to have.
TV cameras picked up the music star-cum-flyhalf's reaction, and he could be seen to mouth the words 'what the hell have I just done?'.
In a post match interview, Joe revealed "I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm not even English, I don't even play this sport!" When reminded that he alone won the game for the Poms, he replied 'I think I've made a big mistake'.
As consolation, when Ireland beat England in the Six Nations next spring, they'll be World champions......................Unless Joe ruins it.
Sparking jealousy amongst all the other hot ladies in the world, Fred have put a picture of Earth's most beautiful woman, the french supermodel Laetitia Casta, on their website.
Having finally made the transition from not being on the site to being on the site, the photo is sure to delight all who see it. But is this picture putting-uppage merely a way to cheapen the site, appealing to the baser nature within all of us with a vision of unattainable beauty? We delve further..........
"Maybe" shrugs affirmed Laetitia-fancier and guitarist - Jamie. "I'll be honest with you, she's very easy on the eye" he insights. "Infact, I think she's lovely" he further expounds, answering all criticism.
But one can't help but wonder, due to the absolute unrelatedness of the French princess to the band, why the photo is on the site. One also can't help but wonder, why stop at one picture? So here's another.
Exciting music band Fred, are making ground breaking new strides towards peace in what they call the 'Peace Wait'.
Taking a leaf out of megastars John Lennon and Yoko Ono's book, who previously ended all wars by deciding to 'Sit In Bed For Peace' and 'Get Naked For Peace', Fred have taken it up a notch and vow to 'Wait' for it.
Eibhilín, Fred piano player and former Navy Seal, pleads "we spend so much time waiting around these days anyway, whether it be in a queue for a cinema, or a bus, or even for Mr. Right, we thought we could put some of this waiting around to good use."
Says Jamie of the activity/non-activity "it's so easy, that's the beauty of it, you don't have to do anything, just set some time aside and wait. Even if you end up waiting in the rain, it's for a good cause."
"I just wanted to make a difference, as a pop-star with a conscience, and as a human being" emotes Joe, the hirsute, charismatic frontman of the group. "I just got tired of doing stuff, you know, so this way, I figure, will be better".
God Bless.
Fred won the first ever Cork City Inter Band Five-Aside Football Tournament (CCIBF-AFT), in a contest that saw them run riot over other such established acts such as Stanley Super 800, Rest and The Girls Of Summer.
In a display of skill that drew gasps from onlookers and whispered comparisons to the Brazil team of 1970, Fred amazed and awed each of their opponents.
Drummer and Gloryhunter Justin, pictured in action above, recounts "Yeah, we knew we had it in us, and perhaps the other teams showed us too much respect, as well as too much of the ball." Bass-player and Midfield General, Jamin, chimes in "by the end of it there were a lot of tired legs out there, but not me."
Bicycle kicks and multi-hatricks were par for course for super-sub Eibhilín. "As the gaffer, I was reluctant to put myself in the game, but once I saw that Rest were attempting to bring some of their instrumental post-rock onto the field, I couldn't resist" she confides. "If only they put the same spirit and emotion into their game as they put into their tight and explosive musical arrangements, perhaps it wouldn't have been so easy for us, but you know, that's football."
Bitter losers Stanley Super 800 refused to comment on the 4-0 thrashing they received from Fred, but murmured some futile clichés like "game of two halves" and "all credit to the Dutch."
But on a day when everyone gave their all and enjoyed themselves, it could be argued that Football was the real winner.
That, of course, is rubbish, it was Fred..............
Having recently been spotted out at a trendy night spot together (see above photo), speculation has been mounting as to the exact nature of Ev and Dave's relationship.
Body language expert and drummer with Fred, Justin O'Mahony, observes: "dude, they're totally into each other!" "Look, they're even holding hands, that means he's looking for something or someone to become a surrogate mother and emotional rock. Or else he's just into hands" he bifurcates.
Psychic and relationship guru to the stars, Joe, adds "he sure has good teeth, eh?" "Mind you, her outfit doesn't half make her look fat" he ruthlessly snipes.
When contacted for comment, David Beckham seemed quite nonplussed and unaware of the furore surrounding his stepping-out with the leggy beauty. He remained aloof on the steamy subject and just talked about how excited and happy he was in Madrid.
On the other hand, Eibhilin - or 'Posh Fred' as she insisted on being called - wouldn't shut up about the whole affair. "Yeah, I saw him in the trendy night-spot, and I knew I recognised him off the telly. I thought maybe he was in Coronation Street or something, so I went up and and did a few impressions, and next thing you know, we're going out or something." she proffers. "He seems nice, and it'll probably help my singing career." "Not that bright though!" she pot-kettles.
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In a move many would call extravagant, Fred, the popular music band, went and bought a big airplane. The huge jumbo-jet, pictured above, is really intended to ease the pressure on Ronnie Wheelin', Fred's van. However, bass player Jamin isn't all that sure that it will work out that way: "I'm not all that sure that it will work out that way," he pontificated recently. "I mean, we were playing in Killarney a couple weeks back, so we flew the jet into Kerry airport, but then we needed Ronnie to transport us and all the gear the 8 miles to Killarney" he further resounded. "I mean Jeez, if I wanted to be dropped 8 miles outside of town, I woulda used Ryanair." Other Fred members seemed happy enough with the big-ass plane. Eibhilín is one of those. "I think it's great. I mean, to have a massive airliner is nice. It even has a sandwich toaster on it, which is great, it meant we didn't need any stewardesses making lunch, because we got some ham and cheese in Centra so we were totally able to make our own lunch," she enthused. "Mind you, trying to use the kettle at the same time as the sandwich toaster caused the sockets to short, so I'd watch out for that in future" she warned. However, the bands first flight in their new gigantic aircraft almost ended in disaster when Joe, the band's charismatic singer, claimed he was a commercial airline pilot, and proffered forth his services to fly Fred to a gig in Cobh, Co.Cork. Jamie recounts: "Yeah, I think Joe had just seen that 'Catch Me If You Can' movie, and he has that whole Leonardo di Caprio thing going on anyway, so he just kinda figured he was a pilot. Lateral thinking I guess!" Jamie continues "Looking back, perhaps we should have made sure he was right about this, but the way he figured it made sense to us, you know, cuz we're all quite logical in our approach to things. Also we've got a real 'can do' attitude, so we were all like 'yeah Joe, sounds great' and 'that's it buddy, you fly that jet good!'. Anyway, let's just say that we were lucky Justin was around, because halfway through the flight, Joe was like 'lads, I haven't the foggiest, I'm thinking I might have got this one wrong'. But Justin had totally done piloting in college, so he just took over from Joe and took us gently into Cobh. And we did a great show!".
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For some time, people have been happily converting temperatures from celsius to fahrenheit here at Fred Online (see below). However, trying to work those temperatures out the other way round often proved to be a tricky and unrewarding activity.
Sure, the obvious thing to do was to reverse the formula of the old converter. The even obviouser thing to do was to have a whole new TRENDY converter, full of happening fonts and lacking in capital letters, for the Fred fan is a hip cat, aware and ahead of all the latest styles and fads, both musically and temperaturely. The future of temperature conversion is here, and it's very, very cool..................... |
Coming from Europe themselves, it would seem a given that Fred would be well accepted everywhere on the continent they go. Well it is a given, and with their heads quickly swelling to blimp-like proportions, Fred trundled into Italy mowing everything down in their path.
Being the first band to tour on lawnmowers is something special, as new bassist Jamin asserts in this here quote: "I strongly assert that being the first band to tour on lawnmowers is something special"
Receiving a wonderful reception from Italians beautiful and ugly alike, the gigs have been going extremely well. Some of the crowds have been known to shout in a cliched manner: "Bravo" and "Encore". But hey, that's Italy, and they don't know better like we do. Bless 'em.
Ciao
After much physiotherapy and Italy-going, drummer Justin's arms have made a fine recovery after his catastrophically stupid bicycle crash (actually, it was quite cool, there were girls there).
With remarkeable speed, he recovered in less than one month from having two shattered elbows, to having two flaming limbs of fury. Playing his first gig back with the band last week in Citta Di Castello, Italy, he elaborated "I just wanna play football, I don't care much for ya'll talking bout mah arms".
However, though musically he is back in top shape, the other Fred members have been slow to allow him back into their close knit, healthy armed unit. "I didn't like him before, I don't know why we have to be nice to him now" pronounced Joe, "I mean we're all happy with our strong elbows, miraculous recovery or not, I'm not sure I want him hanging out with us".
" Ah, the guys are just kidding around, they're glad to have me back really" suggests Justin, from the boot of the van..............
A Scorpio, who loves walks on the beach, excercising and reading, Jamin is the newest member of the Fred family.
Jamin believes in teamwork, and is already a valued asset at Fred inc. He has extensive experience in music, and has listened to it from a very early age. "Yeah, ever since a very early age" intones the bassist, "I've listened to music. I think it's good".
CEO and Player/Manager of Fred Inc., Eibhilín asserts "Yeah, when Emmett left the band, we were all pretty shook up, so we just asked this random guy if he'd be interested in taking over where Emmett left off. He said yeah, and.......well......here we are!"
"In fact, I don't think we really thought about it, to be honest" she further elucidates. "I mean heck, it's only the bass!"
Jamin will be answering to the pseudonyms 'L'il J' and 'Famous J'. He may also respond to 'You there!'
A casa di una coppia sposata, la moglie dice al marito: «Caro senti la porta come cigola...non potresti sistemarla?» «Uè non sono mica un falegname!!!» Altro momento della giornata: «Caro senti il rubinetto del bagno che gocciola, non potresti sistemarlo?» «Uè non sono mica un idraulico!!!» Più avanti ancora: «Caro hai visto che si è bruciata la lampadina del frigorifero? Potresti ripararla?» «Uè non sono mica un elettricista!»
Alcuni giorni dopo questa scenetta il marito rientra a casa da lavoro e aprendo la porta nota che questa si apre senza nessun cigolio...passando dal bagno trova che il rubinetto non gocciola più....allora incuriosito controlla anche il frigorifero e trova che la luce interna funziona perfettamente. A quel punto chiama la moglie e dice: «Cara, vedo che adesso tutto funziona perfettamente, come hai fatto?»
«Sai l’inquilino del piano di sotto è in cassa integrazione, ha un sacco di tempo tutto il giorno e si è offerto di ripararli...» «Lo avrai pagato spero?» «Gli ho offerto i soldi, ma lui ha detto: "Signora per ricompensa o mi fa una torta o viene a letto con me!"» «E tu immagino gli avrai fatto una torta...» «Uè non sono mica una pasticciera!!!»
12.40pm............on a Sunday morning...................Who the hell are all you folks?
Can't really describe how great it was. Thanks to everyone who came, even though we didn't know ye. We were quite literally stunned to see so many people so early in the day. If any of you have photos of the gig, please e-mail them to us at photos@fredtheband.com
It felt like so many things could go wrong - broken drummer, new bass player, nerves, string section, brass, nobody coming to see us. But the planets, they did align, and it turned out to be one of the best gigs ever. You made our year. I think we've peaked.
Yes, Justin, drummer extraordinaire with the exciting music band Fred, dislocated one - but shattered both - of his elbows on Monday 31st June. Bizarrely, the story made it's way onto the cover of the Evening Echo. Mind you, he is a handsome gent, so they were obviously trying to increase sales.
In a stunt that can only be described as 'misjudged', on a bike that can only be described as 'mountain', over an object that can only be described as' large skateboard ramp', onto a surface known to many as 'concrete', and ending up in a building routinely referred to as 'hospital', it truly was an incredible evening for the floppy haired drum-beater.
So, wish him a speedy recovery, so he can entertain us all with his antics once again.
A long time ago, there was a little boy, who had a little bass, who grew up to be a man, with a regular sized bass. And that man was Emmett. Infact, he still is Emmett.
Unfortunately, the paths of Emmett and Fred, intertwined for so long, have come to a fork. Fred choosing the road to success, music, fun, stardom and riches - Emmett choosing the road to New Zealand.
You see, what you have to understand about Emmett, is that he is a very hairy guy. He has a lot of hair and a beard. And so with sadness in our hearts, tears in our eyes, and plucky-plucky-twang-twang basslines in our ears, we say goodbye.
Say hi to Liam on your way down....................
While in Dublin for their gig in Eamonn Dorans, Liam and Joe, of Fred fame, needed to do a poo. Now as we all know, this is is something that is important to everyone, particularly Liam and Joe. "I just wanted to poo somewhere nice" said Liam. "I mean, Eamonn Dorans is alright, but 'The Clarence' is in a whole other league" quipped Joe. "We knew that it had to be a good one, so as not to affect our performance later that night, so 'The Clarence' seemed like the obvious choice" he remarked.
But what of U2, were they there pooing at the same time, or is that just a rumour? "Well, no. U2 weren't there, as they like to poo via satellite. So although Bono was doing the doo in New York, the chains were flushing in Dublin" proffers Liam."Sort of like that Sinatra collaboration he did".
And what of the toilet paper? "Well" intercedes Joe, "The paper was grade A quality, and that really made the difference". "And, Liam O'Maonlaí, from
the Hothouse Flowers, who was in the lobby also seemed to think so" namedrops Liam.
Ever the political animals, Fred's campaign to rename the Euro is starting to shake the foundations of the powers that be, a source in the European Parliament confirmed yesterday.
The campaign, which would involve renaming the Euro with the much catchier moniker, 'The Snazzybuck', started off as one band's dream. "You see, the Euro doesn't start with a solid consanant like other currencies, it starts with a diphthong, that 'Eu' or 'ou' that Canadians have so much trouble with, but by calling it the 'Snazzybuck', I think everyone will be much happier with their currency, and more confident with their financial transactions," said a spokes-person for Fred last Thursday.
The denomination would be 100 'muckle' to every Snazzybuck. Other names mooted were the 'StarDollar' and the 'Coolcoin' but they were thought to be a bit naff.